Fostering gives you a gift of seeing potential long before it has bloomed.
Helping parents understand what feelings and moods are normal and what might need a little extra attention.
My husband and I became foster parents nearly 3 years ago. We wanted to fill our house with love and laughter while helping children in need. We knew it would be a life-changing experience, but I never realized how freeing it would be.
I’ve always been a very structured and orderly person. I was often described as organized, prepared and a perfectionist. Then we received our first short-term placement. Shortly after she returned to her biological family, we received two toddlers. I wanted these kids to experience all life has to offer. Soon, words like “tired” and “messy” began to describe me and my house. While my heart was full, I still was struggling with balancing a full-time job, being a full- time mom and keeping up with the house. After a couple years of running almost on empty, I finally learned to stop trying to do it all every day. I let go of making myself feel bad and trying to be perfect.
When I let go of trying to do it all every day, I realized going to bed with dishes still in the sink would not hurt anyone. I learned as long as the kids still had one clean pair of underwear, the laundry could wait one more day. To save my own sanity I needed to say “no” on occasion when friends asked me to do something. I love my kids and my job, so I find time for both. During the leftover time, I tackle whatever is the highest priority and let lower priorities go.
A big part of feeling comfortable about letting go of trying to do it all every day was letting go of making myself feel bad. When I do not have enough time to grocery shop or enough energy to cook, I should not feel bad about taking my family out to eat. I was imposing rules on myself that were not only unnecessary, but were taking a toll on my self-esteem.
I have stopped looking at other moms and wondering why they have it so together. I realize now they only seem to have it together. No one is perfect. Instead of putting effort into trying to appear perfect, I put effort into things I enjoy and embrace my imperfections.
As a perfectionist, giving up on the quest to be perfect was difficult. I would take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. But each day offered numerous opportunities for practice and I have learned to let go. It’s taken a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I recently had four family members stay at my house (which would have given me a panic attack a year ago). Upon their arrival I told them, “my house isn’t perfect. Two adults, 2 kids and 2 dogs live here. If you find a dust bunny, ignore it or better yet help me out by placing it in the trash.” It set an open and honest tone for the weekend and we had a great time.
As a foster parent, my days are filled. Learning to let go of being perfect helps so much. The children do not need perfect. They need love, laughter and security.
Fostering gives you a gift of seeing potential long before it has bloomed.
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