You see, as an adoptive mama, one of the comments that really gets under my skin is “Your daughter is one lucky girl” My daughter experienced things no child should ever have to, and then on top of all that she lost her primary attachment figure when she was removed from her birth mom. It doesn’t matter how ugly of a living environment that was, being removed from it meant losing everything she knew. However, that great loss is also what provided the opportunity for great healing.
This past May, we adopted our son from foster care. He has been in our care his whole life – they called me within minutes of his birth to see if we could foster him for a while. Days turned into weeks, weeks into years until he was adopted at 2½ years old. There was another special woman in his life who had been there in the beginning – his birth mom. We met after a few days of him living with us, we wrote letters and had a few quick phone calls here or there while I fostered him, but things were super awkward. We never quite knew how to end the conversation. We always had so much more to say to each other, but we could never found the words – until the adoption was final.
Don’t worry about the sticks and stones of fostering. It’s the words that can hurt.
That old childhood rhyme “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will
never hurt me” is really just the opposite of what we deal with in life. I can’t really think of the times I’ve had to protect or defend myself from
the sticks and stones yet I can name countless times I’ve had to defend, protect or heal from the hurt of words.
- ”When are you done with this fostering?”
- “Your decision was made for your whole family.”
- “Why are you adding more stress to your life?”
Early on in our fostering journey, we felt the need to try to answer everyone’s questions, Continue reading →
Over the years I have tried to walk alongside many of my foster parent friends who are trying SO hard to do right by their foster kids. Here are six things I desperately want to say to each foster parent:
2) Stop trying to figure out your case. Try not to focus on birth families. The decisions they make and the way things play out will not play out differently if you are worrying about them.
3) Try to figure out how to work with and encourage birth families. Kindness goes a long way. Do not worry about their messes or their choices. Just send pictures, update them on milestones and keep them posted. They may need advice and help, Continue reading →
A few weeks ago, we welcomed some tiny little baby feet into our home. These little feet and the adorable baby they are attached to caught us somewhat off guard. Instantly, we were thrown back into the world of bottles, diapers, and midnight waking, back into a family of seven with a mere couple of hours to prepare. I for one was very emotional with this placement knowing the pain that his momma was going through not being able to be home with her new baby.
Many of our friends and family showed support without hesitation. We had meals brought to us, loads of formula and diapers donated, clothes and blankets showed up. We even had help with some of the other kids during those first few days. There’s also my personal favorite, friends dropping buy with a big olecup of coffee! This was by far more support than we have received with any of the previous foster kiddos we welcomed into our home.
To those who have supported us or other foster parents, I say, thank you. You have no idea how much a cup of coffee, or a pack of diapers means to us. It might seem like a small gesture to you, but to us it means that you are with us in a time when things are chaotic and we can sometimes feel alone. Continue reading →
So what do foster parents do when they need to rest, recharge or deal with a virus? They reach out to the wonderful people who do RESPITE. Respite is defined as a short period of rest or relief from something difficult. Yet if you ask any foster parent, it is a service that is so very much more. If it were up to foster parents, they would win the Oscar for “Best Supporting” role every single year!
Parenting children is “heartwork” and hard work. The latter of the two can take its toll on a person, a relationship or a family. Continue reading →
Others will tell you their version of your story. In fact, many people feel very comfortable doing so without you even asking. Wouldn’t it be great if you could get everyone to tell your version of your story? We can always dream, right?
So why do we waste time and energy listening to the fictional version of our nonfiction best seller? Stay focused and true to what you are writing on the hearts and souls of all you touch, as you provide respite, foster or adopt. Think back to the start of your fostering journey and the reasons you began writing this amazing story. Are those reasons still not ringing true today? Have you listened to so many incorrect or negative versions of your story that you are starting to doubt and believe the fiction? Continue reading →
I sat in a noisy restaurant, and across the table from me was the most beautiful 2-year-old girl with the best little ringlets falling from her head. She was a part of our family for nearly a year and now, seeing her for the first time since she left our home, it would seem we hardly knew each other.
It had been months since she left our home to be reunified with her sister. We celebrated with her and we mourned the loss of everyday interactions with her. Now, as our families got together for the first time since this transition, it was clear the transitioning wasn’t over. Continue reading →
It’s an act of coming together, a uniting, a union or a homecoming. Everything from the historic fall of the Berlin Wall, which brought about the unity of East Germany and West Germany, to the heartwarming stories we see on TV about people searching for and finding long-lost family members.
Yet to a foster parent, reunification is not the tearing down of a wall or the happy celebratory reunion after years of searching. It is a difficult day that doesn’t feel much like a celebration at all. Continue reading →
As we joyfully prepared for a move toward adoption for one of our foster children, we also heartbreakingly received a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. It has been a process to accept and come to terms with this as we also try to find our family’s new normal.
When you have a child with special needs, you learn what he or she needs and how you can best help him or her function. What may not look normal to one family becomes your family’s normal as you navigate this journey. On good days, you function within your family’s normal, and you avoid any major meltdowns or catastrophes. You can experience days, sometimes even weeks, that go by as you live your normal and then it hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere that to anyone watching from the outside, you are not normal. Maybe you even think to yourself in those sad and ugly moments that your child is not normal, and that your family is not at all normal. Continue reading →