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 Confessions from a “trauma momma”   — 5 Comments

  1. “This is my daughter, she is broken – I didn’t break her, but I am picking up the pieces and trying to show grace to those who did contribute to her brokenness.”

    Stop calling your daughter broken!!! What kind of message is that? Broken/damaged is for cars and appliances, it’s not for children. This type of language is stigmatizing and hurtful. Imagine growing up knowing (or later reading) that your mother thinks you’re broken, damaged, defective, not as good or as valuable as other children. Because that’s what broken means. She’s already going to feel some of this just because she’s adopted and our culture makes adopted people feel less important/valuable than biological or “real” children. There’s no need to add to this message. I speak as a former foster child. The language you use about your child matters. I doubt you want her to feel broken, so why are you calling her that?

    Trauma doesn’t mean a child is “broken.” Autism doesn’t mean a child is broken. Disabilities and developmental delays don’t mean a child is broken.

    Instead use more empowering language.
    –My child is strong.
    –My child has endured
    –My child is capable
    –My child has overcome
    –My child is healing

  2. Thank you for your comment and your perspective. This post was meant to read as a confession of the things one Trauma Momma often feels but is afraid to say out loud.
    These are things that we as parents are hesitant to talk about because it is private both to our children and us. However we must for the sake of our kids shed some light and bring awareness to the struggle as the world around them watches and interacts with them.

    Please know that I have never told my daughter that she is broken. I certainly see your point in what you have said and I will perhaps in the future word things differently. However I must disagree that saying she is broken is also saying she is defective or not as good or should be thrown away. If we felt that way we would not be fighting so hard to help her come to a place of wholeness and healing, because in my mind things that are broken can always be repaired.

    I do everyday refer to my daughter as a princess, as beautiful, as strong, and as precious! This is so ingrained in her that she will often comment on how she is “strong like a princess”. She can and she will grow up to do great things with her life because she is strong and because we are putting in the time now so healing and wholeness can take place.

  3. With respect to the original commenter, I have to agree with the author. These children come to us from traumatic backgrounds. With prayer and love and space and security and the help of the many people we have to support us, our children do come to a place of healing.
    To ignore the trauma their brains have experienced is to ignore a part of them.
    They deserve healing, but unless we acknowledge the “brokenness” of their past, we cannot help them heal for their future.

    • Have you ever read primal wound? The very removal of these children so young from their families create damage. The system of removing children often does more damage than anything the bio family has done. I stopped providing foster care when I realized how many good families were being destroyed simply because someone considered their parenting not up to par.
      Most of the time it was poor decisions based on lack of resources or education but not from a lack of love. What we do as a society to these families is inhumane. Taking away the identity they were born with through adoption, creating eternal hurt by ripping vulnerable families apart. How did we get here as a society? To call children damage but not take responsibility in our part by destroying the natural parenting bond? I read your post about showing grace to your sons mother? Can you imagine how she must feel when you step in to wipe a face e t during a visit. She gave birth to HER children, not so you could raise them because she is their mother
      Funny how we don’t remove puppies who are still nursing but yet we remove children who desperately need their mothers who are connected biologically and tbrough the heart to be whole.

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